Life is magnificent and awesome, and I no longer find any meaning in it. The meaningful stories that I lived my life by simply fell away in October 2008: stories of karmic connection, purpose in life, value of prayer; comparison stories of smarter or dumber; stories of spiritual growth to be achieved, the need for an altar, the value of practices–all of it, gone.
Now this, I guess. Only this. I find myself simply living life as it shows up–and often it does offer startling surprises. But there is some flatness about it–just to be noticed I suppose, with an attitude of “and this too.” I see there is mild resistance; perhaps I’ll get used to the flatter terrain.
© Amrita Skye Blaine, 2012
6 thoughts on “now what?”
Flatland is my home.
Was surprised to find how much anxiety arose in the week after the Gate. Less so now. Still, your descriptions feel very familiar.
I like this view – and remembering that beauty is also present in every moment.
I have mislaid the email about the group–June 3rd, right? Can you forward that to me again?
Kind of reminds me of the song Both Sides Now in the best possible way
“There’s something lost and something gained in living every day”
I too experienced some flatness for a while after awakening (which was in the late 90s). Looking back, I think it was really disorientation; as you describe everything that had meaning before now held no interest for me. There was some relief in that, but also the flatness. As I relaxed into the new perspective a lot of richness started coming back in, more so than before, in fact, There’s still no “meaning”, but there’s a lot of richness and a steady undercurrent of joy. Without the thinking “I”, meaning cannot be assigned.
Your note is helpful, thank you so much for it. The mind would love to say “hopeful” as well, but belief in the future has faded as well… but not the body anxiety about it.