Non-dual teachers pointed to awareness as synonymous with love, but that was not my experience. It irritated me when they spoke of this love–and of course, I berated myself for “not getting it.” For a few years after immersion in these teachings, I experienced the ground of awareness as dispassionate–clear, transparent, open, awake–and devoid of feeling.
I desperately wanted personal love to be true, to be enough, even at the cost of suffering. Eventually, I discovered that I lacked a deeper understanding of love–but if you had tried to tell me that, I would have vehemently denied it. Over time, and through a difficult and excruciatingly painful period in my life, it became clear to me that what I sought in personal love–even in the midst of a unique and wonderful marriage–simply wasn’t possible. What I sought, longed and cried out for, was not in the realm of the personal.
Those teachers were pointing to the truth, but I had to experience directly in order to surrender to that truth: the ground of awareness is devoid of feeling as we normally experience it in our bodies. As personal love dissolves, a deeper love is revealed–the intimacy of no separation. Standing side by side, the same, the only, awareness shines.
© Amrita Skye Blaine, 2012
photo credit: Panhala Poetry