Searching for the truth has framed my life since age thirteen. As the decades passed, and my heart knew it had not found what it sought, I lied to myself that the longing was enough–that longing could satisfy, like in the ancient quote that calling out to God is the response. So my seeking became more subtle, but of course still went on, because nothing could assuage the profound disappointment.
Then I learned about the the Open Path training, offered by Elias Amidon. I was like a bloodhound who has caught the waft of a fresh scent. This was not learning anything new; in fact, it fast became clear that unlearning was required. My belief systems fell away.
Two and a half years ago, we made a trip to Boulder, Colorado. We were resting in the motel room one afternoon, and I started reading Nirmala’s Nothing Personal. I recommend it–it’s a down-to-earth book from the non-dual view. Somewhere in the first chapter, he suggested noticing “that which doesn’t doesn’t come and go.” Perhaps I had never turned around and looked in that kind of way–but when I did this time, I remember sensations of shock rolling through my body, and the thought, “That?!” Not an object–not findable in that way, but undeniably present–“something” that doesn’t change.
For months afterwards, tens of times a day, I turned inward to check: really, still the same? Eventually, my trust grew that yes, closer than home–no distance at all–rests that which doesn’t change. That which is reliable.
Then the nitty-gritty work began–as Rupert Spira says, “colonizing” the cells of the feeling body with that knowing. In my experience, this takes the deepest kind of courage: being willing to meet all the subtle and not-so-subtle ways I have shut the world out, tried to make myself safe. No need to go looking–they continue to present themselves regularly.
But as of today, I know this: the seeking is done.
© Amrita Skye Blaine, 2012