For thirty-seven years, I tried to figure it out. I tried to meditate. I tried to “do my practices” properly. In fact, I often did them, but they did not bring about the sea change that I hungered for. And yet, I continued to search, because I was driven to. I had caught the scent and couldn’t let it go, but nothing satisfied.
In fact, the very effort I invested seemed to take me furthur afield. I knew this–the hole inside, the sense of being an imposter, these remained–but I had no idea what I was doing “wrong.” My spiritual teacher had died in 2001, and I felt truly adrift.
Three years ago, something gave up and turned for home. I can’t really explain it. Teachers appeared who pointed in a fresh way. My belief structures crumbled. It had taken so much effort to hold that house of cards in place.
Life becomes simpler and simpler.
No effort required.
© Skye Blaine, 2011
the heart of the matter 
just stumbling in the dark and trying to put it into words… I appreciate your following.
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Thank you for sharing [your] wisdom Amrita, it touches [my] heart deeply ~ in no-verbal-ways…
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On this topic… just wanted to share my favourite Alan Watts quote:
“You can, for instance, pursue the idea of total courage, of letting go of everything, of being a true Zen monk, abandoning all property, living in a barn, sitting up in the middle of the night, in the cold, eating rice and pickles, and so on. You can seek liberation in that manner, by going to that extreme. But if you do, you will eventually arrive at the same place as the person who pursued liberation by going to the other extreme, of making no effort whatsoever.”
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both are most likely necessary at some point!
Thanks for responding; I love it when you share.
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Simpler and simpler. How true. The physcists speaking at the Science and Nonduality Conference said that as we approach “The ground of being” (The Unified Field?), everything becomes simpler.
But now as I look back, it seems that all those seemingly “useless” practices and complicated teachings were quite perfect in the scheme of things. The truth, of course, has always been there – starting from “Row, row, row your boat…” I just wasn’t ready to see it. And the readiness to see… well, not up to me either.
But then of course, Who/What Am I? Ha!
Fascinating…
Thank you.
kb
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